two. twenty two. twenty eighteen

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

I've experienced many beautiful, fulfilling, and challenging times in my 27 1/2 years of life.
I believe those experiences both good and bad are the very definition of life. I believe we must have the dark in order to see and fully enjoy the light. Kimble is my world now. He brings so much goodness, joy, love, meaning, and adventure to my once very different life. It was not a bad life, but a hard one. I was an overly independent, introverted, selfish, and at the same time a very lonely girl. I craved connection yet constantly pushed people away.

On February 22, 2018 I married Kimble Jensen. I married the man I used to write about in my journal and even here on my blog. I married the man Heavenly Father so patiently prepared me for. I married my best friend.

Our wedding day was hands down the best day of my life thus far. It was better than any dream, pinterest board, or movie I had imagined my wedding would be like. Aside from being inside the Temple with Kimble the PEOPLE were what made the day. It is so humbling to be surrounded by friends and family from all over the world who are there to whole heartedly support you both in this new adventure. I did my best to look around, to open my eyes and heart and remember every smiling face that was there for us that day. Inside the temple it took everything in me to hold back the alligator tears. A few did slip out but dang that frog in my throat was almost too much to handle. I so badly needed to ugly cry the BIGGEST tears of gratitude. My heart was bursting at the seams. The entire day was pure JOY, LOVE, and HAPPINESS.

On our one month anniversary I wrote my humble newlywed opinion on marriage: " Marriage isn't the answer to all of life's problems. It doesn't magically take away sadness or spells of depression that may creep up. It doesn't eliminate your trials or take away your pain. But what I will say is dang marriage is fun. The sense of security that Kimble gives me is worth every moment of sadness or loneliness that I had previously experienced. We are human and life is definitely a rollercoaster but I am ready. My seat belt is buckled and I am holding on tight to this guy waiting for whatever life will throw at us. I never knew a love like this existed and dang babe you were so worth the wait. Thanking our Heavenly Father everyday for letting you choose me. I am the luckiest girl."



Kimble + Stacey from Hayley Carter Films on Vimeo.


*UNEDITED* Kimble + Stacey Wedding Dancing from Hayley Carter Films on Vimeo.

I'm sorry.

Probably the most powerful phrase in our society aside from saying " I love you".
Which is why it is one of the hardest phrases to say because of the weight it carries.

Why is that when we hear how something we've done or said has affected someone negatively don't we feel any form of remorse, regret or empathy? Why in response do we look for more reasons to bash and be-little one another? Why is 'defense' always our first instinct? ( I am so guilty of this)
Why can't we just say I'm sorry. Why can't we choose the higher road if only to bring less heartache, pain and sorrow to the other person. No we can not change how it was received and no we can't go back and change how it was delivered. So why not before speaking or acting take a moment, step back and fully submerse yourself in the other persons shoes. How would you receive this exact message or gesture? How would you prefer it to be delivered? I bet if we did that we could save a lot of heartache both on them and ourselves.

To me I'm sorry is vulnerability. I'm sorry is bravery. I'm sorry is humbling. I'm sorry is strength. I'm sorry is acceptance. I'm sorry is being present and aware. I'm sorry is empathy. I'm sorry is a new beginning. I'm sorry is peace. I'm sorry is love.

We are all entitled to our own thoughts, opinions, judgements, critiques, and even our own responses. But 9x's out of 10 those thoughts should be kept to ourselves. A lesson we all, including myself have to learn the hard way time and time again. I've been taught that there is no such thing as 'constructive' criticism. There is only criticism that can be used to make changes for the better if we choose. It is our obligation to ask the other person before giving criticism if they are willing to listen and if the time is right. No matter when or how it is given if the time is not right it will not be well received, which further more makes it useless criticism and more so just hurtful opinions of another person.

Dr. John L. Lund ( author and marriage counselor) teaches that not forgiving is a one way freeway to depression. It always has and always will lead to depression over time. If we live with resentment there is no room in our heart for love. Resentment devours love.
He teaches that the keys to forgiveness are: treating the other person with respect, working towards building a new history of positive behaviors with one another, not being held hostage by our past, and moving forward in that relationship. You may and probably will have to earn that trust back but you should not have to earn forgiveness. It is our duty to forgive. D&C 19 

I have many thoughts and feelings on this subject but when it comes down to it is as simple as " I'm sorry". I wanted to write out these thoughts so that the next time I encounter an opportunity to forgive or to be forgiven I will have this simple reminder. To me love is light and we could use a lot more of it. Here is my daily reminder to be a little more humble, a lot more loving, and a lot more forgiving to others and to ourselves included. The Savior already paid the price for our sins. You taking that role upon your self won't change that.

Mosiah 26:22-23, 30-31  
22. For behold, this is my church whosoever is baptized shall be baptized unto repentance. And whomsoever ye receive shall believe in my name; and him will I freely forgive. 
23. For it is that taketh upon me the sins of the world; for it is I that hath created them; and it is I that granteth unto him that believeth unto the end a place at my right hand. 
30. Yea and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me. 
31. And ye shall also forgive one another your trespasses; for verily I say unto you, he that forgiveth not his neighbors trespasses when he says that he repents, the same hath brought himself under condemnation. 

Infinite Hope

I have this wild fascination with the sky. The clouds, the colors, the sun, the moon, the stars.  At least once a day I will stop and say out loud "look how beautiful the sky looks". Most of the time I will even pull the car over just to get a perfect picture, only to be disappointed because we all know it never looks the same. I have sat and asked myself multiple times why I love it so much. Why it affects me the way it does. What is it that I find so beautiful about the sun hiding behind the clouds creating a that perfect light reflection? Why do the cotton candy colors of the sunset make my heart flutter the way they do? Why does watching the sun rise fill my soul with so much peace? Why does laying under a star filled sky make me feel like I can do anything or be anyone. The sky is so big, SO much bigger than any one of us. It feels like a big breath of fresh air. It is one thing that is constant in our lives. No matter what is going on or where we are the sun rises and sets each day. It is ever changing and no two are the same. The sky gives me an overwhelming feeling of hope and closeness to our Father in Heaven. It is strong and powerful but can be generous and forgiving. It feels big and far away but when I look up into the sky I feel that much closer to those I am missing in this life and even those in the life after. Your sun is my sun. Your moon is my moon. Nothing is more beautiful to me than the hope, peace, and comfort I feel being close to the ones I love.

June 6th

It has taken me over a week to sit down and reflect back on this day. I’ve been keeping myself artificially ‘busy’ to avoid a meltdown. June 6th was an emotional and life changing day for me. What was once my constant, comfortable lifestyle and routine for almost 8 years has now done a complete 180'. I don’t even know who Stacey is without dance, Cirque, or performing. It feels like losing and finding myself all at the same time. It feels like a cement block has been lifted from my chest but that my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I feel relieved, alive and free but lost, anxious and scared. The true definition of #allthefeels. Just the thought of writing about this day brings me to tears. Sad tears of missing my old life and friends but excited and happy tears for what's to come. I have the opportunity right to now create the exact future that I want. I can be whoever I want to be. Do whatever I want to do. It’s actually kind of amazing! I've got a clean slate right in front of me. I recently heard in a class I took that all of our dreams, goals, and results happen outside of our comfort zone. Right now is my time to get uncomfortable. To create a life for myself that makes me happy and ultimately a life that my Father in Heaven is proud of. He didn't send us here to be miserable. Though I do question his intentions somedays haha I know that he wants us to be happy and successful and good. Just be good. Get up every morning and do your best for that day. Whatever "your best" looks like on that dreaded Monday morning, or gloomy Tuesday, or dragging hump-day. If you do your best, try your hardest, be kind, serve others, dream big, think positive, and surround yourself with people who challenge and inspire you to be better, everything will work out! xo

Reality.

Reality is we are all human. We all experience self doubt, stress, and anxiety to some degree. I like to tell my riders in class "control what you can control (your breathing, your thoughts, your attitude), and let go of the rest." We are human. We will have bad days where we feel insecure, under appreciated, overly dramatic or sensitive, under qualified, unprepared, overwhelmed, or sometimes just plain exhausted. But guess what.. its OK! Feel those feelings, they are real. Live in those feelings for a moment and then take a step back and refocus. WHY are you feeling this way? Did you see an instagram photo of someone with an amazing body and now you feel jealous or even angry because even after all your hard work why doesn't your body look that way? Did you procrastinate and now you are left scrambling at the last minute to get something done? Are you financially stressed and wondering how you are going to provide or pay the bills? Did you stay up late stressing over a to-do list that only seems to keep growing until 2am and you've got to be up at 6am?
We've all been there. It's about getting up, evaluating your situation, creating some sort of 'plan of action' and then moving forward one step at a time. I've never been very good at managing my emotions. Today when I woke up the stress and anxiety was so present it was as if someone was sitting on my chest making it difficult to breathe. I felt like crawling in a hole and hiding until these next 2 weeks are over. But guess what... even then it won't be over. Because that is life. We can't let these fears or anxieties control us. Find an outlet. Write out your thoughts, call friend to vent, realize that maybe its not as bad as you think it is, get yourself a treat and keep chipping away! Reality is... you're probably doing a lot better than you think you are!

A breath of fresh air

For the last 4 years I was obsessed, addicted, all consumed, 'part of the cult' of crossfit. However you want to call it, I lived, breathed, and loved the sport. I still love the sport and I am most grateful for the people it brought into my life. I am also grateful for the work ethic and mental toughness that it has instilled in me. Like most things in life it had its highs and lows. Unfortunately this past year the lows seemed to take the lead. It was no longer benefiting my mental or physical health the way your gym or daily workouts should. During that low period I found cycling. It was the biggest breath of fresh air. It was that feeling I had craved from a workout that I was no longer finding through crossfit. It's no surprise my addictive personality took cycle and ran with it 0-100, training all summer long and eventually becoming an instructor. It was a feeling I didn't want to let go of. It was a feeling I wanted to share with anyone and everyone. Cycling has reignited my flame or passion for fitness, music, and people. I joke that I am no longer a "crossfitter" and its no secret I have lost a lot of muscle mass since quitting but I will always love and appreciate the sport. Those athletes that compete are like no other and I am inspired by them daily. Here's to living a more well rounded, fit, healthy, and most importantly HAPPY lifestyle in this new year. CHEERS to 2017!!

Magic potions

Unfortunately there are no magic potions or quick fixes for something like depression. In fact it's taken more energy, work, effort and patience than I have ever given to one thing in my life. Besides maybe dance that is. It's amazing how you can have your worst days and your best days all in the same week. Talk about messing with my already emotional and sensitive mind. Sheesh. What a rollercoaster. I don't like to say 'I suffer from depression'. But I can honestly admit that I have experienced a few 'spells' of depression throughout my adult life. Most days I've never felt better. My mind is clear and confident and my future seems bright. I look forward to the people I get to wake up and see everyday and I often imagine the future faces I will meet and look forward to creating new bonds and friendships with those individuals. I feel energetic.. sometimes even 'high' on life. Well what I imagine being 'high' might feel like. But in reality, like everyone else I have my bad days too. I get a wave of nerves come over my body when I start to notice the symptoms creeping in. Lack of motivation, sleepy and restless all the time, daily pity parties or emotional breakdowns, an overall sense of selfishness and not the good positive uplifting 'I am focusing on bettering myself' kind of selfishness. Daily happiness is a choice. I have clearly not perfected this simple task but I am working on it every single day. We win some, we lose some. On those tough days remember you're not alone, get yourself a treat and go to bed early. Tomorrow is a new day!

Find your soul.

Life hit me hard in 2016. Actually if I am being honest it started in 2013 but I wasn't aware of the signs back then. When recently asked the question "When was the last time you were truly happy?" My answer took me by surprise and even brought me to tears. "2011" .... I was living in Vegas and I had a solid group of girlfriends. We went to church every Sunday and often made dinner as a "family". I lived alone and felt strong, independent, and financially stable. I was in the best shape of my life and getting to workout with a personal trainer 3x's a week. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I was HAPPY. 

Little did I know that a change in career, a move, a break up, a much lower income, and a lack up passion could do so much harm. I felt more lost every day. As the year/years went on of course I had moments of happiness. I have memories in those years that I will never forget and people and friendships that I will forever be grateful for. But was I ever truly happy? No. In 2014 I found myself returning to Las Vegas to join the cast of Michael Jackson ONE. I was sure this was going to break my spell of bad luck and unhappy days. It was truly a dream job and although coming back was an obvious YES it was still a hard decision for me to make. Sadly after being here a few short months I was robbed at gun point. From then the road only seemed to get harder, and the days got darker. The depression slowly started to swallow me up. I absolutely loved my job. I love and admire the people I get to work with every day. I have made new friends and am surrounded by so much love and talent. None of that mattered. I felt so alone. As the days went on the harder it became to even get out of bed in the morning. I had no desire to workout or to even take care of myself. The lack of church attendance became increasingly more frequent and I couldn't remember the last time I had read my scriptures. But why would I when all of my prayers seemed to be ignored. Clearly God had forgotten about me. He was no longer listening so I felt like I no longer needed him. In May of this year on a dark, lonely night I made a phone call to a very close friend. I had with out a doubt reached my limit. "I am done" were the words I repeated over and over. I pictured my perfect future or things I would miss out on but even the best of days didn't seem worth it. "I am done." I made a very scary decision that night. Without any planning and obviously with out much thought I tried to hurt myself. As I laid on my bathroom floor gasping for air I knew I needed help. Instead of dialing 911 I decided to call my dad. If this was going to be my last phone call I knew I needed to hear my dads voice.

I am obviously still here. The days that followed that scary night are some that I will never forget. Moments where the veil felt very thin. Moments too sacred to even write about. But what I will write about is how real depression is. I had no idea until now that my thoughts and actions could be so tainted by this very thing. Depression is so real. I made a promise to myself and to a few others that I would do whatever I needed to get better. These past 4 months have taken more effort and work and dedication than I have done in the past 4 years. But I am sitting here today to tell you that I have honestly never been happier. I have never been more sure of who I am, what I want, how I want to live, and that I truly am a daughter of God. It takes work and life still gets "life-ie" and  I am still single and no all my problems didn't disappear over night but today I AM HAPPY. 

When I did start to notice the depression I closed off and backed away more and more because even I couldn't stand to be around negative, unhappy people like myself. Why would anyone want to be around me?.. 

Please if you are sad, lonely, lost or need a friend.. reach out. People love you. More than you will ever know. Even strangers. And I promise you.. God has not forgotten about you. You are just simply learning exactly what he needs you to learn and in exactly the timing he needs you to learn it. I hope that through this experience I will be more aware of those around me and their well-being. I hope I am a better friend, sister, daughter, wife and mother someday because of it. 

Letting Beauty Speak

How do you define beauty? I get a lot of crap daily on the fact that I Crossfit too much. That I look bulky. That if I am not careful guys will not be attracted to me. This video describes my feelings exactly. Strength is beauty.

I write..

I write for me. I write for an outlet from the world. I usually write when the tears fall freely or my cheeks sting from smiling. I write to remind myself that I am not alone and it's Ok to let it out. Keeping my thoughts or emotions bottled up is unhealthy. Especially for an emotional, stress case like myself. ;) I FEEl so much. I feel so deeply. I have so much passion inside of me that sometimes I feel like I might explode. ITS TOO MUCH! haha
But this is why I write. So that maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at how dramatic I was. And that for maybe a few minutes letting it out will allow me to breathe again.
I have a constant battle with growing up and being an adult. When I was younger I was so mature and LOVED being with the adults. I never wanted to be a kid. I wanted to be old and to date and to be a mom and to drive and to have a real job.
Who was I kidding?!?!? If only someone would have warned me. haha
I crave the days when play dates, night games, and mid day naps were my biggest worries. Life is so different than I thought it would be. I am reminded everyday that it is not MY plan but HIS and not on MY time but HIS. I struggle not being in control, not knowing, and not having all the answers. I struggle with finding joy in the journey and not having a pity party every day because things aren't the way I thought they would be. I am learning though. I am trying my best to work on the things I CAN control. All we can do is our best. Daily I have to remind myself to focus on someone else and worry less about me. When we get lost in serving others good things will come. Life is truly a test... I was never good at testing or school for that matter but I am trying.

                                                                     xoxo