Life hit me hard in 2016. Actually if I am being honest it started in 2013 but I wasn't aware of the signs back then. When recently asked the question "When was the last time you were truly happy?" My answer took me by surprise and even brought me to tears. "2011" .... I was living in Vegas and I had a solid group of girlfriends. We went to church every Sunday and often made dinner as a "family". I lived alone and felt strong, independent, and financially stable. I was in the best shape of my life and getting to workout with a personal trainer 3x's a week. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I was HAPPY.
Little did I know that a change in career, a move, a break up, a much lower income, and a lack up passion could do so much harm. I felt more lost every day. As the year/years went on of course I had moments of happiness. I have memories in those years that I will never forget and people and friendships that I will forever be grateful for. But was I ever truly happy? No. In 2014 I found myself returning to Las Vegas to join the cast of Michael Jackson ONE. I was sure this was going to break my spell of bad luck and unhappy days. It was truly a dream job and although coming back was an obvious YES it was still a hard decision for me to make. Sadly after being here a few short months I was robbed at gun point. From then the road only seemed to get harder, and the days got darker. The depression slowly started to swallow me up. I absolutely loved my job. I love and admire the people I get to work with every day. I have made new friends and am surrounded by so much love and talent. None of that mattered. I felt so alone. As the days went on the harder it became to even get out of bed in the morning. I had no desire to workout or to even take care of myself. The lack of church attendance became increasingly more frequent and I couldn't remember the last time I had read my scriptures. But why would I when all of my prayers seemed to be ignored. Clearly God had forgotten about me. He was no longer listening so I felt like I no longer needed him. In May of this year on a dark, lonely night I made a phone call to a very close friend. I had with out a doubt reached my limit. "I am done" were the words I repeated over and over. I pictured my perfect future or things I would miss out on but even the best of days didn't seem worth it. "I am done." I made a very scary decision that night. Without any planning and obviously with out much thought I tried to hurt myself. As I laid on my bathroom floor gasping for air I knew I needed help. Instead of dialing 911 I decided to call my dad. If this was going to be my last phone call I knew I needed to hear my dads voice.
I am obviously still here. The days that followed that scary night are some that I will never forget. Moments where the veil felt very thin. Moments too sacred to even write about. But what I will write about is how real depression is. I had no idea until now that my thoughts and actions could be so tainted by this very thing. Depression is so real. I made a promise to myself and to a few others that I would do whatever I needed to get better. These past 4 months have taken more effort and work and dedication than I have done in the past 4 years. But I am sitting here today to tell you that I have honestly never been happier. I have never been more sure of who I am, what I want, how I want to live, and that I truly am a daughter of God. It takes work and life still gets "life-ie" and I am still single and no all my problems didn't disappear over night but today I AM HAPPY.
When I did start to notice the depression I closed off and backed away more and more because even I couldn't stand to be around negative, unhappy people like myself. Why would anyone want to be around me?..
Please if you are sad, lonely, lost or need a friend.. reach out. People love you. More than you will ever know. Even strangers. And I promise you.. God has not forgotten about you. You are just simply learning exactly what he needs you to learn and in exactly the timing he needs you to learn it. I hope that through this experience I will be more aware of those around me and their well-being. I hope I am a better friend, sister, daughter, wife and mother someday because of it.
