Wednesday, June 14, 2017

June 6th

It has taken me over a week to sit down and reflect back on this day. I’ve been keeping myself artificially ‘busy’ to avoid a meltdown. June 6th was an emotional and life changing day for me. What was once my constant, comfortable lifestyle and routine for almost 8 years has now done a complete 180'. I don’t even know who Stacey is without dance, Cirque, or performing. It feels like losing and finding myself all at the same time. It feels like a cement block has been lifted from my chest but that my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I feel relieved, alive and free but lost, anxious and scared. The true definition of #allthefeels. Just the thought of writing about this day brings me to tears. Sad tears of missing my old life and friends but excited and happy tears for what's to come. I have the opportunity right to now create the exact future that I want. I can be whoever I want to be. Do whatever I want to do. It’s actually kind of amazing! I've got a clean slate right in front of me. I recently heard in a class I took that all of our dreams, goals, and results happen outside of our comfort zone. Right now is my time to get uncomfortable. To create a life for myself that makes me happy and ultimately a life that my Father in Heaven is proud of. He didn't send us here to be miserable. Though I do question his intentions somedays haha I know that he wants us to be happy and successful and good. Just be good. Get up every morning and do your best for that day. Whatever "your best" looks like on that dreaded Monday morning, or gloomy Tuesday, or dragging hump-day. If you do your best, try your hardest, be kind, serve others, dream big, think positive, and surround yourself with people who challenge and inspire you to be better, everything will work out! xo

Friday, May 26, 2017


Reality is we are all human. We all experience self doubt, stress, and anxiety to some degree. I like to tell my riders in class "control what you can control (your breathing, your thoughts, your attitude), and let go of the rest." We are human. We will have bad days where we feel insecure, under appreciated, overly dramatic or sensitive, under qualified, unprepared, overwhelmed, or sometimes just plain exhausted. But guess what.. its OK! Feel those feelings, they are real. Live in those feelings for a moment and then take a step back and refocus. WHY are you feeling this way? Did you see an instagram photo of someone with an amazing body and now you feel jealous or even angry because even after all your hard work why doesn't your body look that way? Did you procrastinate and now you are left scrambling at the last minute to get something done? Are you financially stressed and wondering how you are going to provide or pay the bills? Did you stay up late stressing over a to-do list that only seems to keep growing until 2am and you've got to be up at 6am?
We've all been there. It's about getting up, evaluating your situation, creating some sort of 'plan of action' and then moving forward one step at a time. I've never been very good at managing my emotions. Today when I woke up the stress and anxiety was so present it was as if someone was sitting on my chest making it difficult to breathe. I felt like crawling in a hole and hiding until these next 2 weeks are over. But guess what... even then it won't be over. Because that is life. We can't let these fears or anxieties control us. Find an outlet. Write out your thoughts, call friend to vent, realize that maybe its not as bad as you think it is, get yourself a treat and keep chipping away! Reality is... you're probably doing a lot better than you think you are!

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A breath of fresh air

For the last 4 years I was obsessed, addicted, all consumed, 'part of the cult' of crossfit. However you want to call it, I lived, breathed, and loved the sport. I still love the sport and I am most grateful for the people it brought into my life. I am also grateful for the work ethic and mental toughness that it has instilled in me. Like most things in life it had its highs and lows. Unfortunately this past year the lows seemed to take the lead. It was no longer benefiting my mental or physical health the way your gym or daily workouts should. During that low period I found cycling. It was the biggest breath of fresh air. It was that feeling I had craved from a workout that I was no longer finding through crossfit. It's no surprise my addictive personality took cycle and ran with it 0-100, training all summer long and eventually becoming an instructor. It was a feeling I didn't want to let go of. It was a feeling I wanted to share with anyone and everyone. Cycling has reignited my flame or passion for fitness, music, and people. I joke that I am no longer a "crossfitter" and its no secret I have lost a lot of muscle mass since quitting but I will always love and appreciate the sport. Those athletes that compete are like no other and I am inspired by them daily. Here's to living a more well rounded, fit, healthy, and most importantly HAPPY lifestyle in this new year. CHEERS to 2017!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Magic potions

Unfortunately there are no magic potions or quick fixes for something like depression. In fact it's taken more energy, work, effort and patience than I have ever given to one thing in my life. Besides maybe dance that is. It's amazing how you can have your worst days and your best days all in the same week. Talk about messing with my already emotional and sensitive mind. Sheesh. What a rollercoaster. I don't like to say 'I suffer from depression'. But I can honestly admit that I have experienced a few 'spells' of depression throughout my adult life. Most days I've never felt better. My mind is clear and confident and my future seems bright. I look forward to the people I get to wake up and see everyday and I often imagine the future faces I will meet and look forward to creating new bonds and friendships with those individuals. I feel energetic.. sometimes even 'high' on life. Well what I imagine being 'high' might feel like. But in reality, like everyone else I have my bad days too. I get a wave of nerves come over my body when I start to notice the symptoms creeping in. Lack of motivation, sleepy and restless all the time, daily pity parties or emotional breakdowns, an overall sense of selfishness and not the good positive uplifting 'I am focusing on bettering myself' kind of selfishness. Daily happiness is a choice. I have clearly not perfected this simple task but I am working on it every single day. We win some, we lose some. On those tough days remember you're not alone, get yourself a treat and go to bed early. Tomorrow is a new day!

Monday, August 15, 2016

Find your soul.

Life hit me hard in 2016. Actually if I am being honest it started in 2013 but I wasn't aware of the signs back then. When recently asked the question "When was the last time you were truly happy?" My answer took me by surprise and even brought me to tears. "2011" .... I was living in Vegas and I had a solid group of girlfriends. We went to church every Sunday and often made dinner as a "family". I lived alone and felt strong, independent, and financially stable. I was in the best shape of my life and getting to workout with a personal trainer 3x's a week. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I was HAPPY. 
Little did I know that a change in career, a move, a break up, a much lower income, and a lack up passion could do so much harm. I felt more lost every day. As the year/years went on of course I had moments of happiness. I have memories in those years that I will never forget and people and friendships that I will forever be grateful for. But was I ever truly happy? No. In 2014 I found myself returning to Las Vegas to join the cast of Michael Jackson ONE. I was sure this was going to break my spell of bad luck and unhappy days. It was truly a dream job and although coming back was an obvious YES it was still a hard decision for me to make. Sadly after being here a few short months I was robbed at gun point. From then the road only seemed to get harder, and the days got darker. The depression slowly started to swallow me up. I absolutely loved my job. I love and admire the people I get to work with every day. I have made new friends and am surrounded by so much love and talent. None of that mattered. I felt so alone. As the days went on the harder it became to even get out of bed in the morning. I had no desire to workout or to even take care of myself. The lack of church attendance became increasingly more frequent and I couldn't remember the last time I had read my scriptures. But why would I when all of my prayers seemed to be ignored. Clearly God had forgotten about me. He was no longer listening so I felt like I no longer needed him. In May of this year on a dark, lonely night I made a phone call to a very close friend. I had with out a doubt reached my limit. "I am done" were the words I repeated over and over. I pictured my perfect future or things I would miss out on but even the best of days didn't seem worth it. "I am done." I made a very scary decision that night. Without any planning and obviously with out much thought I tried to hurt myself. As I laid on my bathroom floor gasping for air I knew I needed help. Instead of dialing 911 I decided to call my dad. If this was going to be my last phone call I knew I needed to hear my dads voice.
I am obviously still here. The days that followed that scary night are some that I will never forget. Moments where the veil felt very thin. Moments too sacred to even write about. But what I will write about is how real depression is. I had no idea until now that my thoughts and actions could be so tainted by this very thing. Depression is so real. I made a promise to myself and to a few others that I would do whatever I needed to get better. These past 4 months have taken more effort and work and dedication than I have done in the past 4 years. But I am sitting here today to tell you that I have honestly never been happier. I have never been more sure of who I am, what I want, how I want to live, and that I truly am a daughter of God. It takes work and life still gets "life-ie" and  I am still single and no all my problems didn't disappear over night but today I AM HAPPY. 
When I did start to notice the depression I closed off and backed away more and more because even I couldn't stand to be around negative, unhappy people like myself. Why would anyone want to be around me?.. 
Please if you are sad, lonely, lost or need a friend.. reach out. People love you. More than you will ever know. Even strangers. And I promise you.. God has not forgotten about you. You are just simply learning exactly what he needs you to learn and in exactly the timing he needs you to learn it. I hope that through this experience I will be more aware of those around me and their well-being. I hope I am a better friend, sister, daughter, wife and mother someday because of it. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Letting Beauty Speak

How do you define beauty? I get a lot of crap daily on the fact that I Crossfit too much. That I look bulky. That if I am not careful guys will not be attracted to me. This video describes my feelings exactly. Strength is beauty.

I write..

I write for me. I write for an outlet from the world. I usually write when the tears fall freely or my cheeks sting from smiling. I write to remind myself that I am not alone and it's Ok to let it out. Keeping my thoughts or emotions bottled up is unhealthy. Especially for an emotional, stress case like myself. ;) I FEEl so much. I feel so deeply. I have so much passion inside of me that sometimes I feel like I might explode. ITS TOO MUCH! haha
But this is why I write. So that maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at how dramatic I was. And that for maybe a few minutes letting it out will allow me to breathe again.
I have a constant battle with growing up and being an adult. When I was younger I was so mature and LOVED being with the adults. I never wanted to be a kid. I wanted to be old and to date and to be a mom and to drive and to have a real job.
Who was I kidding?!?!? If only someone would have warned me. haha
I crave the days when play dates, night games, and mid day naps were my biggest worries. Life is so different than I thought it would be. I am reminded everyday that it is not MY plan but HIS and not on MY time but HIS. I struggle not being in control, not knowing, and not having all the answers. I struggle with finding joy in the journey and not having a pity party every day because things aren't the way I thought they would be. I am learning though. I am trying my best to work on the things I CAN control. All we can do is our best. Daily I have to remind myself to focus on someone else and worry less about me. When we get lost in serving others good things will come. Life is truly a test... I was never good at testing or school for that matter but I am trying.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

16 year old self

It has been months..... I feel like posting but I don't even know where to begin. I use this blog as a journal and clearly I have never been much of a Journal keeper. Lets see if I can work on that.
Life really is such a ride. So many emotions and life events in such a short amount of time. Always nothing like you expect or pictured it to be like. I love it. Every day is a new day and a new adventure good or bad! In the last few months I have learned so much about myself. Growing up is such a weird concept for me. Most days I feel like I never change. I'm just little old Stacey as my 12yr old self. Eek 12 was an awkward stage lets go with maybe my 16 year old self?.... Anyways it's crazy to sit back and reflect on how different I am these days. Seeing as I am 23 least I hope I am different ;)
Things in life that mattered before don't matter so much. I find joy in the little things. I appreciate moments or songs or photos differently than I did before.  I am proud of myself and my accomplishments in life thus far. I also have things about myself that I am constantly working on. I have goals and dreams that continue to change daily. I have found that I love big and also that heart break hurts. But feeling those feelings have made me appreciate life and love in a different kind of light. I am doing my best everyday to live in the now. I have always been a "can't wait until"... or "one day when"..... or "things will definitely be better when"...
But honestly life is good NOW. I should be grateful for the beautiful things and more importantly people who are right in front of me! Life is good and crazy and fun and hard and weird and annoying and lovely ALL at the same time. One thing I do know is that family stays the same and is always there and always supporting you NO MATTER WHAT.
 I sure do love my family and wouldn't want to be on this ride with anyone else.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

...a simple sunday rant

Sometimes I wonder how I found dance. Or maybe a better question is how dance found me. I'm not talking about the beginning tap and ballet classes my mom put me in as a 4 yr old but the part of dance that completely consumes me. The part that has genuinely made me the person I am today. How did I get so lucky to find something that fulfills me like nothing else can. Being a dancer is who I am. I don't know any different and I wouldn't change it for the world. Dance allows me to feel and experience things only dancers can understand. Being on stage brings me so much happiness and being in a studio feels like home. I love the challenges physically, mentally, and most of all artistically that come with the journey of being a dancer. I love to learn new styles of movement and to be pushed to places I have never been. I love the opportunities and doors that have been opened in my life because I chose to dance. My path as a kid was different than most but it was mine and thats what makes it so special. I love my parents for supporting me no matter what and for always being my #1 fans. I love the people that path has brought into my life and the people I get to share the stage with. Those people are my family. Every dancer is different and unique but we all share the same passion and that is why we just get each other. 
"It takes an athlete to dance but an artist to be a dancer."

"To dance is to be out of yourself.
 Larger, more beautiful, more powerful." - Agnes De Mille

"Dance enables you to find yourself and
 lose yourself at the same time ."

 ....There is only one of you in the world,
just one, and if that is not fulfilled then something
has been lost. Ambition is not enough; necessity is everything.
- Martha Graham "I am a dancer" 

"I see dance being used as communication 
between body and soul, to express what is
 too deep to find for words."- Ruth St. Denis

xoxo - a girl in the city 

ODT European tour 2013

I just spent the last 3 weeks traveling through Europe on a bus, doing what I love with some of my best friends . Rough Life ;)
I'm so grateful for the experiences we had and for the memories I made. I love that talented group of dancers more than I can explain. They took me in and treated me like family right from the beginning. I made some new friendships that will last forever and got to spend some much needed time with old dance friends. Here is a glimpse into some of our European adventures:


Koln Germany

Monte Krew

Istanbul Turkey

The wishing hole! 

The Blue Mosque 

Hagia Sophia Museum 

Bus ride Riff-offs 

Turkish Today Show

The Grand Bazaar

 Thank you for sparking my love for dance all over again. I sure love my ODT family.