Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A breath of fresh air

For the last 4 years I was obsessed, addicted, all consumed, 'part of the cult' of crossfit. However you want to call it, I lived, breathed, and loved the sport. I still love the sport and I am most grateful for the people it brought into my life. I am also grateful for the work ethic and mental toughness that it has instilled in me. Like most things in life it had its highs and lows. Unfortunately this past year the lows seemed to take the lead. It was no longer benefiting my mental or physical health the way your gym or daily workouts should. During that low period I found cycling. It was the biggest breath of fresh air. It was that feeling I had craved from a workout that I was no longer finding through crossfit. It's no surprise my addictive personality took cycle and ran with it 0-100, training all summer long and eventually becoming an instructor. It was a feeling I didn't want to let go of. It was a feeling I wanted to share with anyone and everyone. Cycling has reignited my flame or passion for fitness, music, and people. I joke that I am no longer a "crossfitter" and its no secret I have lost a lot of muscle mass since quitting but I will always love and appreciate the sport. Those athletes that compete are like no other and I am inspired by them daily. Here's to living a more well rounded, fit, healthy, and most importantly HAPPY lifestyle in this new year. CHEERS to 2017!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Magic potions

Unfortunately there are no magic potions or quick fixes for something like depression. In fact it's taken more energy, work, effort and patience than I have ever given to one thing in my life. Besides maybe dance that is. It's amazing how you can have your worst days and your best days all in the same week. Talk about messing with my already emotional and sensitive mind. Sheesh. What a rollercoaster. I don't like to say 'I suffer from depression'. But I can honestly admit that I have experienced a few 'spells' of depression throughout my adult life. Most days I've never felt better. My mind is clear and confident and my future seems bright. I look forward to the people I get to wake up and see everyday and I often imagine the future faces I will meet and look forward to creating new bonds and friendships with those individuals. I feel energetic.. sometimes even 'high' on life. Well what I imagine being 'high' might feel like. But in reality, like everyone else I have my bad days too. I get a wave of nerves come over my body when I start to notice the symptoms creeping in. Lack of motivation, sleepy and restless all the time, daily pity parties or emotional breakdowns, an overall sense of selfishness and not the good positive uplifting 'I am focusing on bettering myself' kind of selfishness. Daily happiness is a choice. I have clearly not perfected this simple task but I am working on it every single day. We win some, we lose some. On those tough days remember you're not alone, get yourself a treat and go to bed early. Tomorrow is a new day!

Monday, August 15, 2016

Find your soul.


Life hit me hard in 2016. Actually if I am being honest it started in 2013 but I wasn't aware of the signs back then. When recently asked the question "When was the last time you were truly happy?" My answer took me by surprise and even brought me to tears. "2011" .... I was living in Vegas and I had a solid group of girlfriends. We went to church every Sunday and often made dinner as a "family". I lived alone and felt strong, independent, and financially stable. I was in the best shape of my life and getting to workout with a personal trainer 3x's a week. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I was HAPPY. 
Little did I know that a change in career, a move, a break up, a much lower income, and a lack up passion could do so much harm. I felt more lost every day. As the year/years went on of course I had moments of happiness. I have memories in those years that I will never forget and people and friendships that I will forever be grateful for. But was I ever truly happy? No. In 2014 I found myself returning to Las Vegas to join the cast of Michael Jackson ONE. I was sure this was going to break my spell of bad luck and unhappy days. It was truly a dream job and although coming back was an obvious YES it was still a hard decision for me to make. Sadly after being here a few short months I was robbed at gun point. From then the road only seemed to get harder, and the days got darker. The depression slowly started to swallow me up. I absolutely loved my job. I love and admire the people I get to work with every day. I have made new friends and am surrounded by so much love and talent. None of that mattered. I felt so alone. As the days went on the harder it became to even get out of bed in the morning. I had no desire to workout or to even take care of myself. The lack of church attendance became increasingly more frequent and I couldn't remember the last time I had read my scriptures. But why would I when all of my prayers seemed to be ignored. Clearly God had forgotten about me. He was no longer listening so I felt like I no longer needed him. In May of this year on a dark, lonely night I made a phone call to a very close friend. I had with out a doubt reached my limit. "I am done" were the words I repeated over and over. I pictured my perfect future or things I would miss out on but even the best of days didn't seem worth it. "I am done." I made a very scary decision that night. Without any planning and obviously with out much thought I tried to hurt myself. As I laid on my bathroom floor gasping for air I knew I needed help. Instead of dialing 911 I decided to call my dad. If this was going to be my last phone call I knew I needed to hear my dads voice.
I am obviously still here. The days that followed that scary night are some that I will never forget. Moments where the veil felt very thin. Moments too sacred to even write about. But what I will write about is how real depression is. I had no idea until now that my thoughts and actions could be so tainted by this very thing. Depression is so real. I made a promise to myself and to a few others that I would do whatever I needed to get better. These past 4 months have taken more effort and work and dedication than I have done in the past 4 years. But I am sitting here today to tell you that I have honestly never been happier. I have never been more sure of who I am, what I want, how I want to live, and that I truly am a daughter of God. It takes work and life still gets "life-ie" and  I am still single and no all my problems didn't disappear over night but today I AM HAPPY. 
When I did start to notice the depression I closed off and backed away more and more because even I couldn't stand to be around negative, unhappy people like myself. Why would anyone want to be around me?.. 
Please if you are sad, lonely, lost or need a friend.. reach out. People love yoju. More than you will ever know. Even strangers. And I promise you.. God has not forgotten about you. You are just simply learning exactly what he needs you to learn and in exactly the timing he needs you to learn it. I hope that through this experience I will be more aware of those around me and their well-being. I hope I am a better friend, sister, daughter, wife and mother someday because of it. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Letting Beauty Speak





How do you define beauty? I get a lot of crap daily on the fact that I Crossfit too much. That I look bulky. That if I am not careful guys will not be attracted to me. This video describes my feelings exactly. Strength is beauty.

I write..

I write for me. I write for an outlet from the world. I usually write when the tears fall freely or my cheeks sting from smiling. I write to remind myself that I am not alone and it's Ok to let it out. Keeping my thoughts or emotions bottled up is unhealthy. Especially for an emotional, stress case like myself. ;) I FEEl so much. I feel so deeply. I have so much passion inside of me that sometimes I feel like I might explode. ITS TOO MUCH! haha
But this is why I write. So that maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at how dramatic I was. And that for maybe a few minutes letting it out will allow me to breathe again.
I have a constant battle with growing up and being an adult. When I was younger I was so mature and LOVED being with the adults. I never wanted to be a kid. I wanted to be old and to date and to be a mom and to drive and to have a real job.
Who was I kidding?!?!? If only someone would have warned me. haha
I crave the days when play dates, night games, and mid day naps were my biggest worries. Life is so different than I thought it would be. I am reminded everyday that it is not MY plan but HIS and not on MY time but HIS. I struggle not being in control, not knowing, and not having all the answers. I struggle with finding joy in the journey and not having a pity party every day because things aren't the way I thought they would be. I am learning though. I am trying my best to work on the things I CAN control. All we can do is our best. Daily I have to remind myself to focus on someone else and worry less about me. When we get lost in serving others good things will come. Life is truly a test... I was never good at testing or school for that matter but I am trying.

                                                                     xoxo

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

16 year old self

It has been months..... I feel like posting but I don't even know where to begin. I use this blog as a journal and clearly I have never been much of a Journal keeper. Lets see if I can work on that.
Life really is such a ride. So many emotions and life events in such a short amount of time. Always nothing like you expect or pictured it to be like. I love it. Every day is a new day and a new adventure good or bad! In the last few months I have learned so much about myself. Growing up is such a weird concept for me. Most days I feel like I never change. I'm just little old Stacey as my 12yr old self. Eek 12 was an awkward stage lets go with maybe my 16 year old self?.... Anyways it's crazy to sit back and reflect on how different I am these days. Seeing as I am 23 now.....at least I hope I am different ;)
Things in life that mattered before don't matter so much. I find joy in the little things. I appreciate moments or songs or photos differently than I did before.  I am proud of myself and my accomplishments in life thus far. I also have things about myself that I am constantly working on. I have goals and dreams that continue to change daily. I have found that I love big and also that heart break hurts. But feeling those feelings have made me appreciate life and love in a different kind of light. I am doing my best everyday to live in the now. I have always been a "can't wait until"... or "one day when"..... or "things will definitely be better when"...
But honestly life is good NOW. I should be grateful for the beautiful things and more importantly people who are right in front of me! Life is good and crazy and fun and hard and weird and annoying and lovely ALL at the same time. One thing I do know is that family stays the same and is always there and always supporting you NO MATTER WHAT.
 I sure do love my family and wouldn't want to be on this ride with anyone else.



Sunday, April 7, 2013

...a simple sunday rant

Sometimes I wonder how I found dance. Or maybe a better question is how dance found me. I'm not talking about the beginning tap and ballet classes my mom put me in as a 4 yr old but the part of dance that completely consumes me. The part that has genuinely made me the person I am today. How did I get so lucky to find something that fulfills me like nothing else can. Being a dancer is who I am. I don't know any different and I wouldn't change it for the world. Dance allows me to feel and experience things only dancers can understand. Being on stage brings me so much happiness and being in a studio feels like home. I love the challenges physically, mentally, and most of all artistically that come with the journey of being a dancer. I love to learn new styles of movement and to be pushed to places I have never been. I love the opportunities and doors that have been opened in my life because I chose to dance. My path as a kid was different than most but it was mine and thats what makes it so special. I love my parents for supporting me no matter what and for always being my #1 fans. I love the people that path has brought into my life and the people I get to share the stage with. Those people are my family. Every dancer is different and unique but we all share the same passion and that is why we just get each other. 
"It takes an athlete to dance but an artist to be a dancer."


"To dance is to be out of yourself.
 Larger, more beautiful, more powerful." - Agnes De Mille

"Dance enables you to find yourself and
 lose yourself at the same time ."


 ....There is only one of you in the world,
just one, and if that is not fulfilled then something
has been lost. Ambition is not enough; necessity is everything.
- Martha Graham "I am a dancer" 


"I see dance being used as communication 
between body and soul, to express what is
 too deep to find for words."- Ruth St. Denis

xoxo - a girl in the city 

ODT European tour 2013

I just spent the last 3 weeks traveling through Europe on a bus, doing what I love with some of my best friends . Rough Life ;)
I'm so grateful for the experiences we had and for the memories I made. I love that talented group of dancers more than I can explain. They took me in and treated me like family right from the beginning. I made some new friendships that will last forever and got to spend some much needed time with old dance friends. Here is a glimpse into some of our European adventures:




 

Koln Germany


Monte Krew

Istanbul Turkey

The wishing hole! 

The Blue Mosque 

Hagia Sophia Museum 



Bus ride Riff-offs 


Turkish Today Show



The Grand Bazaar


 Thank you for sparking my love for dance all over again. I sure love my ODT family. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

A slice of humble pie.

I'm laying here in my bed icing my hip after my first week back on Odyssey. All I can say is WOAH what a talented, hilarious, awesome group of people. And double WOAH to being extremely out of dance shape. My body hurts. I haven't really pointed my toes, done my splits or had a full week of class in about 5 years. No joke. I was humbled to say the least. This group of artists pushes me everyday and I kinda love it. I am grateful to be dancing full time again even if that means I have to wake up at 7am to do so. Thats a little early for my vegas dancing hips, back and feet. All of which are still asleep and very sore and tired! Maybe I should have taken my show warm up a little more seriously the past 4 yrs. Oops! Make sure you come check out our spring shows "Shut up and dance" starting in March! I'm off to take my daily nap. Can't function without it these days!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

6+2

You guys.....I quit. I threw in the towel. I gave up. I text my group telling them I was done. I had gone 6 clean days and 2 cheat days. I know this sounds dramatic but honestly I have never been so tested mentally than I have this past week. I really love food and it was like someone taking away that favorite thing from you as a kid. ugh
But then I went to crossfit last night and had a rude awakening. Along with the guilt trip and peer pressure from Ben who was rooting for me....I had NO energy. I was definitely feeling those cheat days. Basically I had a pity party for myself the whole workout and then my guilt really set it. Who was I to quit. You can't just quit. You committed to this and you have a whole group counting on you. I need to stop feeling bad for myself for not being able to put all that garbage in my body. Instead I should be thanking and congratulating myself for the clean foods I am fueling my body with. It's time that I have a complete attitude change and a full commitment to this thing. I know I am a week late but it took a week of hell for me to realize that this is for real and most definitely a "challenge". I don't want to be my teams weak link. It is 3 solid weeks of clean eating. I can do that. It will be hard no doubt but I want this and truly our bodies are the most important gift we have been given. For the next few weeks I am just going to have to suck it up and be "that girl". "Excuse me sir what do you cook your meat in?" "Can I have no dressing or cheese or well anything on that salad please?"....you know "that girl".  I will say I was shocked at how badly my body craved bad food. Almost to the point of tears and feeling like I had to have it or I might die. It felt like a bad addiction that I couldn't break. You'd think I ate cheetos and doughnuts on the regular with how bad I was craving them!
 I wasn't prepared enough last week with being out of town and having the right foods available for me so that I was still getting the proper calorie intake. This has been a day by day learning experience. I think I am finally grasping what it takes. A whole lot of WILLpower. It is financially a lot harder to eat this way and all the more tempting to eat moms free dinner at home. It's also hard living with a head pastry chef who has fresh cookies on the counter and dough in the freezer. I mean who can resist frozen cookie dough. Ugh not me. I need to keep from getting too hungry cause that is when I get mentally weak and start to cave. Today is a new day. I am AGAIN committing to eating clean and chugging water like its my job. I'm going to take it one Sunday at a time. Only 3 more to go. 3....I can do 3! I am already half way through today and feeling awesome. Thanks for joining me on this journey. Here's to a healthy, happy life.