A breath of fresh air

For the last 4 years I was obsessed, addicted, all consumed, 'part of the cult' of crossfit. However you want to call it, I lived, breathed, and loved the sport. I still love the sport and I am most grateful for the people it brought into my life. I am also grateful for the work ethic and mental toughness that it has instilled in me. Like most things in life it had its highs and lows. Unfortunately this past year the lows seemed to take the lead. It was no longer benefiting my mental or physical health the way your gym or daily workouts should. During that low period I found cycling. It was the biggest breath of fresh air. It was that feeling I had craved from a workout that I was no longer finding through crossfit. It's no surprise my addictive personality took cycle and ran with it 0-100, training all summer long and eventually becoming an instructor. It was a feeling I didn't want to let go of. It was a feeling I wanted to share with anyone and everyone. Cycling has reignited my flame or passion for fitness, music, and people. I joke that I am no longer a "crossfitter" and its no secret I have lost a lot of muscle mass since quitting but I will always love and appreciate the sport. Those athletes that compete are like no other and I am inspired by them daily. Here's to living a more well rounded, fit, healthy, and most importantly HAPPY lifestyle in this new year. CHEERS to 2017!!

Magic potions

Unfortunately there are no magic potions or quick fixes for something like depression. In fact it's taken more energy, work, effort and patience than I have ever given to one thing in my life. Besides maybe dance that is. It's amazing how you can have your worst days and your best days all in the same week. Talk about messing with my already emotional and sensitive mind. Sheesh. What a rollercoaster. I don't like to say 'I suffer from depression'. But I can honestly admit that I have experienced a few 'spells' of depression throughout my adult life. Most days I've never felt better. My mind is clear and confident and my future seems bright. I look forward to the people I get to wake up and see everyday and I often imagine the future faces I will meet and look forward to creating new bonds and friendships with those individuals. I feel energetic.. sometimes even 'high' on life. Well what I imagine being 'high' might feel like. But in reality, like everyone else I have my bad days too. I get a wave of nerves come over my body when I start to notice the symptoms creeping in. Lack of motivation, sleepy and restless all the time, daily pity parties or emotional breakdowns, an overall sense of selfishness and not the good positive uplifting 'I am focusing on bettering myself' kind of selfishness. Daily happiness is a choice. I have clearly not perfected this simple task but I am working on it every single day. We win some, we lose some. On those tough days remember you're not alone, get yourself a treat and go to bed early. Tomorrow is a new day!

Find your soul.

Life hit me hard in 2016. Actually if I am being honest it started in 2013 but I wasn't aware of the signs back then. When recently asked the question "When was the last time you were truly happy?" My answer took me by surprise and even brought me to tears. "2011" .... I was living in Vegas and I had a solid group of girlfriends. We went to church every Sunday and often made dinner as a "family". I lived alone and felt strong, independent, and financially stable. I was in the best shape of my life and getting to workout with a personal trainer 3x's a week. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I was HAPPY. 

Little did I know that a change in career, a move, a break up, a much lower income, and a lack up passion could do so much harm. I felt more lost every day. As the year/years went on of course I had moments of happiness. I have memories in those years that I will never forget and people and friendships that I will forever be grateful for. But was I ever truly happy? No. In 2014 I found myself returning to Las Vegas to join the cast of Michael Jackson ONE. I was sure this was going to break my spell of bad luck and unhappy days. It was truly a dream job and although coming back was an obvious YES it was still a hard decision for me to make. Sadly after being here a few short months I was robbed at gun point. From then the road only seemed to get harder, and the days got darker. The depression slowly started to swallow me up. I absolutely loved my job. I love and admire the people I get to work with every day. I have made new friends and am surrounded by so much love and talent. None of that mattered. I felt so alone. As the days went on the harder it became to even get out of bed in the morning. I had no desire to workout or to even take care of myself. The lack of church attendance became increasingly more frequent and I couldn't remember the last time I had read my scriptures. But why would I when all of my prayers seemed to be ignored. Clearly God had forgotten about me. He was no longer listening so I felt like I no longer needed him. In May of this year on a dark, lonely night I made a phone call to a very close friend. I had with out a doubt reached my limit. "I am done" were the words I repeated over and over. I pictured my perfect future or things I would miss out on but even the best of days didn't seem worth it. "I am done." I made a very scary decision that night. Without any planning and obviously with out much thought I tried to hurt myself. As I laid on my bathroom floor gasping for air I knew I needed help. Instead of dialing 911 I decided to call my dad. If this was going to be my last phone call I knew I needed to hear my dads voice.

I am obviously still here. The days that followed that scary night are some that I will never forget. Moments where the veil felt very thin. Moments too sacred to even write about. But what I will write about is how real depression is. I had no idea until now that my thoughts and actions could be so tainted by this very thing. Depression is so real. I made a promise to myself and to a few others that I would do whatever I needed to get better. These past 4 months have taken more effort and work and dedication than I have done in the past 4 years. But I am sitting here today to tell you that I have honestly never been happier. I have never been more sure of who I am, what I want, how I want to live, and that I truly am a daughter of God. It takes work and life still gets "life-ie" and  I am still single and no all my problems didn't disappear over night but today I AM HAPPY. 

When I did start to notice the depression I closed off and backed away more and more because even I couldn't stand to be around negative, unhappy people like myself. Why would anyone want to be around me?.. 

Please if you are sad, lonely, lost or need a friend.. reach out. People love you. More than you will ever know. Even strangers. And I promise you.. God has not forgotten about you. You are just simply learning exactly what he needs you to learn and in exactly the timing he needs you to learn it. I hope that through this experience I will be more aware of those around me and their well-being. I hope I am a better friend, sister, daughter, wife and mother someday because of it.